The Subterfuge Won't Last
by Shawn Jones
Summary: The Freedom Fighters seek to finally end Robotnik, as the hilarity concludes.
1. Times Like These

The Subterfuge Won't Last

By Shawn Jones

I guess so I don't get fucked over: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.

Foreword

I suppose a simple warning is needed: The following story is rated M as it contains dirty shit (language, violence, the works). So this is it, the final chapter of an epic saga. I apparently write in threes, I don't know why but that seems to be the case. If, for some strange reason, you thought my previous stories were outlandish and crude, you're in for it. The Subterfuge Won't Last is a fitting end to the series; that is if I don't go write a fourth one and fuck it all up. I regret to inform you, I don't have anything else witty or clever to say, so enjoy the story.

Shawn Jones

Times Like These

Three days have passed since Sonic and Knuckles saved the Freedom Fighters from Robotnik's evil clutches. Light streamed through Sonic's bedroom window from the early morning sun. He rose out of bed and made his way outside. He found Knuckles sitting at a table under a tree, and went over to join him.

"Hey mate, how's it goin?" Knuckles asked as Sonic took a seat.

"Fuckin swell, how about you?"

"You know me, no worries, just right. After a few days here I've been getting acclimated to it. There is somethin I've been meanin to ask, though."

"Shoot, I've got all the goddamn answers."

"Why is it that Bunnie wears a shirt and panties, while Sally goes around bare assed naked?"

"She does wear that vest every now and again," Sonic replied. "But to answer your question, I really have no fuckin idea. I've told her countless times to cover up, it's just so _available_. So, do you have the answer?"

"No, it's just a feeling, but I can guess, mate. I think Bunnie has the nicer rack, but doesn't want to show off so as not to embarrass Sally. I'm telling you mate, there are some glorious tits under that shirt. So how about it, you a tit man?"

"Depends on the tits. Speaking of tits, lately Sally has really been stonewalling me when it comes to the innuendo, it just pisses her off," Sonic said. "So I'm going to change it up, and I think I have just the thing."

"Yeah, and what might that be?"

"Let's just say she's coming our way right now."

"Mate, you have no shame at all," Knuckles said, watching Bunnie walk over to them.

"Now what are y'all talking about?" Bunnie asked when she reached them.

"Not much really," Sonic replied. "Can I get you a chair?" He asked, as he pulled a chair around for her.

"Why sure, thanks Hun," Bunnie said smiling, then sat down.

"Anyway, we were just discussing the _ins and outs_ of a few things," Sonic said raising his eyebrows at Bunnie. "Would you like a pretzel?" he asked picking one up. "I baked it myself."

"Well thanks, Sugar," Bunnie said taking the pretzel.

"It goes great with mustard," Sonic said handing her a few packets.

"It has been nice here and all," Knuckles said, trying to change the subject, "But why haven't we held that meetin yet?"

"Well I'm not sure, Sugar," Bunnie answered. "I suppose Sally will hold it when the time is right."

"I, for one, am not really all that bent out of shape over it. All that ever really happens at those meetings is a good insult contest with Antoine, and I always win," Sonic proudly stated.

"You really shouldn't fight with Antoine, Sugar."

"Whatever you say, Sweet Cheeks," Sonic replied.

"What?!" Bunnie exclaimed, just as Sally walked up.

"What's going on guys?" She asked.

"Good day, mate."

"Hi Sally," Bunnie put in.

"_Hey._"

"Mind if I join you?"

"Whatever bakes your cake," Knuckles responded.

"So what are we talking about?" Sally inquired.

"We were just sitting around, drinking it all in," Sonic answered.

"Drinking it all in?" Sally puzzled. She looked to Bunnie, who just shrugged her shoulders. She received the same response from Knuckles. "Anyway, has anyone seen Tails today?"

"No, and I'm hoping it stays that way. I can do without the retardation for a day…" Sonic was interrupted.

"You really should be nicer to Tails, Hun," Bunnie interjected. Sonic just smiled, putting a hand on her leg, and then winked at her.

"Busy day, I've got to be going now," Sonic said getting up. Sally turned to Bunnie as soon as Sonic was gone.

"What was that all about?"

"I don't know, Sugar, he was doing it the whole time I was here. I thought he was just being nice. To be honest it didn't really bother me."

"Well yeah, he did everything but fuck you right here," Sally replied.

"Buttfuck?" Tails asked, as he flew over to the table.

"Goddamn it Tails, you weren't supposed to hear that…" Sally began.

"Why would Sonic buttfuck Auntie Bunnie?" Tails continued.

"That bloke's quite humorous," Knuckles chuckled to himself.

"You just heard it wrong…" Sally tried to explain.

"Who is ze buttfucking?" Antoine asked, joining the others.

"Nobody is…"

"I heard buttfuck," Rotor said interrupting Sally yet again.

"No, what happened was…oh fuck it," Sally said angrily. "All I did was use 'but' and 'fuck' together in a sentence, Tails was just confused."

"I don't know about zis, it is to be hard to confuse zat with ze buttfuck," Antoine pointed out.

"Yeah really, but fuck and buttfuck are two totally different things. They're not even in the same realm of context," Rotor informed.

"Well it was Tails that got em confused. He's not exactly the full quid, mate," Knuckles stated.

"Thank you Knuckles, it was just a literary mix up. Nothing against Tails, he just mistook what I said," Sally explained.

"That offers the question, why were but and fuck used in the same sentence?" Rotor inquired.

"It's no one's business that wasn't here when I said them. But now that everyone is here…"

"Not Sonic," Tails broke in.

"I am well aware of that Tails," Sally responded patiently. "We should go over the plan I've been putting together, say in a few minutes. Maybe you guys will come up with some good ideas, maybe."

"Someone should tell Sonic," Tails said.

"Yes, someone should," Sally replied, gritting her teeth. "Bunnie, why don't you go over and tell Sonic? You guys seem to be getting along so famously."

"Sure thing, Hun," Bunnie said frowning, then got up and left.

"Auntie Bunnie isn't going to get buttfucked, is she?"


	2. Now We're Fucked

Now We're Fucked

"I can't believe what I just heard. Did you happen to catch all of that, Snively?" Robotnik asked, while leaning back in his chair.

"I was unfortunate enough to hear the whole thing, sir," Snively answered.

"I just can't understand why they haven't discussed anything about a plan yet. It's no use being able to listen in on the conversation if they don't talk about that. It's also quite a shame that Sally is the only one we were able to bug."

"Quite so, sir, it seems we miss quite a bit of the conversations. I really do wonder what's going on between Bunnie and Sonic…" Snively pondered.

"This isn't a daytime soap opera, asshole, this is called espionage, and we are trying to covertly steal information. That reminds me, how much battery life do we have left on the transmitter?"

"The one we are getting our audio from?"

"The very same, you dumbass motherfucker. Just what in the fuck did you think I was talking about?"

"Sorry sir, let's just say if they are indeed having a meeting in a few minutes, we'll be cutting it close. Do we have a backup plan, in case of failure, sir?"

"You show me a tropical fruit, and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala," Robotnik stated.

"Sir? That really doesn't make any bit of fucking sense," Snively responded, befuddled.

"I'm quite aware of that Snively. But to answer your question, this was only one of my many backup plans. Lucky for me my Master Fuck Plan has multiple stages. I must say I'm a fucking genius of epic proportions. My only hope now is to get, at the very least, a hint of what they are going to strategize. No more of this buttfucking and other bullshit they keep blathering on about. Oh, and where in the fuck did you find batteries that only last 3 days?"

"I'm not sure, sir, Taiwan perhaps."

"The constant smartass, I thank you for your social commentaries, they have been ever so insightful. Now would you mind fucking yourself, while I try and ruminate with some quiet time?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunnie made her way over to Sonic's room, and was just about to knock on the door, when it opened before she could.

"Hey Sweetie, what is it I can help you with?" Sonic asked in the doorway. "You know, I don't have pants on right now, and it's about that time again."

"Sally told me to come and tell you that we're going to be holding a meeting soon," Bunnie replied, then turned to leave.

"So, I guess you don't have time for _anything else_," Sonic smirked.

"You managed to piss Sally off, Hun," Bunnie said, turning back around. "In fact, I'm pretty sure she's pissed at me now…" she trailed off and began crying.

"Hmm…I don't really know what to do in a situation like this," Sonic said, mostly to himself. "Don't cry,' he said walking over and hugging Bunnie. "Shit is going to…uh…turn out right in the end. You can trust me on this. Rotor calls me the resident Nostradumbass, and that asshole could predict the future."

"You can still make me laugh anytime, can't you Sugar?"

"I guess you could say I'm just naturally gifted, but we'd better hit the road, as they say, if we're going to be there on time," Sonic said, picking Bunnie up and rushing over to the conference room. They were the last two to arrive, Sonic being late as usual.

"I thought you two might be a little late," Sally scoffed.

"Yeah well, it was quicker than I expected, consider us early," Sonic said smiling. "So why have we all gathered here?"

"We're here to discuss a plan of attack to finally end Robotnik's reign. I have a plan, but I want to hear your ideas before I unveil it," Sally said. "So, do we have any suggestions?"

"All me ideas are always shit house," Knuckles responded.

"Excuse me?" Sally asked.

"Shit house, mate."

"Okay then, any other suggestions?"

"I am having one of ze questions for Bunnie," Antoine said.

"What would that be, Hun?"

"Is it hurting to be sitting in ze chair?" Antoine asked laughing, with Tails and Rotor joining in.

"What an asshole," Bunnie responded, Sally just shook her head.

"Am I fuckin missing something? I really didn't find that funny at all, what the fuck is up?" Sonic asked, confused.

"It's a long story," Sally replied.

"Well I think I have a few motherfucking minutes, this could be a good joke, I want in."

"AHHAHAHAHAHAHA, he is to be wanting in!" Antoine continued his hysterical laughter with Tails and Rotor.

"I'm havin a feelin this meetin is gonna be ace," Knuckles said, leaning back in his chair.

"I take it I'm the butt of the joke," Sonic said looking around the room.

"BUTT!" Rotor yelled in uproarious laughter.

"Okay, so it has something to do with Bunnie's ass and me…I'm fuckin lost," Sonic mused.

"After you left this morning, Sugar, Sally claimed you did everything but fuck me, you know with your flirting," Bunnie answered, but Sonic just gave her a blank look. "Buttfuck, Hun."

"That's…uh…pretty fucking funny," Sonic said laughing with Knuckles.

"I thought we were done with this," Sally said, getting embarrassed. "I would like to move on to your plan suggestions. Come on guys, what are you, fucking twelve?"

"I'm eleven," Tails stated.

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry about that Tails. Now, do we have any ideas?" Sally asked impatiently.

"This is funnier than getting Tails to drink from your bidet," Sonic said between laughs. "And that was pretty fucking funny."

"You guys, this is very serious. Could you shape up for just a bit, so we can get through this?" Sally asked.

"Yeah sure, Sal, let's get some ideas out here, assholes," Sonic said, stifling a few laughs.

"Well, we were down in his fallout shelter," Rotor said, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Perhaps we can chuck some bombs down those trap vents he has. You know, carpet bomb the shit out of him."

"Why don't you just tell us your idea, Sally?" Sonic asked. "I mean, we're going to be beating our heads against the fuckin desk before anything good comes out. Even then it's a tossup, Tails' brain might disintegrate, which could be an improvement."

"That's it, you guys rip on me like 13 or 14 more times, and I'm outta here," Tails whined.

"Okay, I see how it is," Sally responded. "I'll just tell you my plan right now. I think one of the more influential Freedom Fighters should turn themselves into Robotnik. The captive would then relay a fake plan to him, giving him all the details of an impending attack. The rest of us would then be able to easily counter Robotnik, as he would be basing his plans on our fictitious attack."

"That sounds like an ideal plan on paper, Sugar, but if Robotnik senses the trap, whoever goes is done for," Bunnie said.

"So, by ze more influential Freedom Fighter, you are meaning?" Antoine anxiously asked.

"Sonic would clearly be the best choice…" Sally started to say.

"What the fuck?" Sonic interrupted.

"Wouldn't that seem a little suspicious, Hun?"

"Maybe, but he would be the most believable…" Sally was interrupted again.

"What kind of fuckin bullshit plan is this anyway? I mean it's so easily fuckupable, if Robotnik would only believe for a second you were lying, you're fucked," Sonic stated. "That in turn fucks everyone else, because they would be making moves based on the fact they think Robotnik is bullshitted. That is a lot of fucking going on, and to tell you the truth I really don't wanna be fucked."

"Then I'll go," Sally suggested.

"Are you bullshitting me?" Sonic asked. "It doesn't matter who fuckin goes, it's too goddamn dangerous."

"Me honest opinion, is that this prolly ain't the best fuckin idea," Knuckles put in. "At least it isn't a good first plan, it might work as a backup plan if we couldn't come up with anythin else."

"I don't know," Rotor began, "I think if it's done right we would have a pretty good shot. It's not as if being a Freedom Fighter is a danger free position. At some point, you have to put all your chips in and see what you really have."

"Well put Rotor. Okay, so Sonic and Knuckles say no, but Rotor and I say yes. Three more votes left. What say you?" Sally inquired.

"If I am not to be going, zen I am being for it," Antoine answered. "It is to being ze one for all, all for one."

"Shut the fuck up," Sonic goaded. "Would you like a crowbar to pull your head out of your ass, or just a flashlight to see?"

"What in ze fuck…?"

"Do we have to get into this right now?" Sally asked.

"Just give him the crowbar," Rotor suggested.

"If we're lucky he just might bludgeon himself with it, instead of tickling his balls or whatever the fuck," Sonic put in.

"Zat is to be ze untrue statement, and you are ze fuel to zink otherwise…"

"Fuel?" Sonic retorted

"Not fuel, _fuel_you asshole," Antoine argued.

"Fuel your asshole?"

"What ze fuck? I am to be hating you to ze death."

"Sonic, just shut your goddamn mouth. The vote is 3 to 2, Bunnie?"

"I don't know, Sugar, it's awfully dangerous. I just don't think I could send one of y'all into that situation, sorry."

"3 to 3, Tails it's all up to you, what do you think?"

"That's not fucked up or anything, let an eleven year old kid decide our fate, fuckin brilliant."

"Shut the fuck up Sonic! Go ahead Tails, the floor is yours," Sally said motioning to him.

"I think it's a good plan," Tails said, "But I'll only vote yes on one condition."

"Oh please, fuckin enlighten us," Sonic snidely replied.

"I don't want Auntie Sally to go," Tails said.

"You might as well just asked for me to go, you fucking prick," Sonic growled. "Now I'm the one who'll end up with shrapnel in my ass. To use Knuckles phrase, this plan is shit house."

"Then that much is settled, we are going ahead with the plan. Now we just need someone to go," Sally said.

"Well I think I know the obvious choice, so I'll spare myself the pain of being voted to go. I, Sonic the fucking Hedghog, will go on this most noble of missions. All I have to say about this is: I'm jolly well fucked."

"Thank you, Sonic," Sally said, relieved. "We'll go over the fake plan, a little later, I need a break right now. Meeting is adjourned."

"It is?"

"Damn it Antoine, not this shit again."


	3. Helmets are for Pussies

Helmets Are For Pussies

"This is the most wonderful news," Robotnik said smiling.

"Quite so, sir, the transmission did cut out a little, but we know what to expect."

"That we do, Snively. Sonic will come here in a couple of days and surrender to me. We'll act like we believe him, then completely and utterly fuck him over. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can then take a vacation on a beach somewhere."

"I don't really like sand, sir, it gets in all the cracks…"

"What the fuck?"

"Just a little verbal confusion, sir. What shall we do now?" Snively asked.

"Verbal confusion? Whatever, all we can do now is wait, Snively. So I intend to sit around and play Nintendo."

"That's quite ironic, sir."

"At its finest I hope."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sonic was sitting on his bed, mind spinning from all the information he had been briefed on regarding the fake plan. He was about to lay down, when he heard a knocking at the door. He opened it, surprised to see Knuckles.

"Mind if I come in, mate?"

"No problem," Sonic said leading Knuckles inside. "So what's up?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doin. You're leavin early tomorrow mornin, and that plan ain't exactly Mickey Mouse, mate."

"What the fuck, Mickey Mouse?"

"Ace, mate," Knuckles explained, but Sonic gave him a blank stare. "It means good, what the hell kind of language do you speak here?"

"Apparently not that. As for me, I'm doing quite well. I've decided that if I get to die while not having to listen to Tails' retardation, Antoine's French, or Sally's bitching, I'm good with it."

"That's good, mate. If I never see you again, it was nice knowin ya. I'm gonna go sink some piss and have a mystery bag," Knuckles said, then gave Sonic a hug. "Always remember, no worries, just right." Knuckles left and closed the door behind him. A few moments later another knock came at the door.

"What?" Sonic barked as he opened the door. Antoine, Rotor, and Tails were all standing outside.

"We zought zat since you are to be gone tomorrow, we would be saying it was ze nice ting to know you," Antoine said.

"Uh, thanks."

"I brought you a jar of mayonnaise, for luck," Rotor said, holding it out.

"Swell, I'm sure it will come in handy," Sonic said taking the jar. "Well Tails, say your bit and get the fuck out." Tails just looked up, then rushed over and hugged him. "Hey…what the fuck? Get off of me you perve."

"Bye Sonic," Tails said, then all three of them turned and left.

"What in fucks name is wrong with these guys," Sonic asked himself, as he went back into his room. As soon as he sat down, another tap on the door. "Never a moment's peace. Why don't you go fu…oh hey Bunnie," he said, opening the door.

"Hey Sugar, you have a minute?"

"Shit, if you let me check I just might have two. Come on in," Sonic invited, leading Bunnie inside.

"I figured I'd stop by and see you, Hun. I know I'll see you tomorrow, but it's less personal with everyone there."

"Well that was thoughtful of you…" Sonic was interrupted by yet another knock at the door. "Excuse me for a second," Sonic said getting up. "I think I know who that is, man, I'm fuckin golden right now. Hey Sal…Tails what kind of cruel fucking tomfoolery is this?"

"I forgot to give you this," Tails said, handing Sonic a drawing.

"This is fuckin…" Sonic noticed Sally coming toward him, "…great, I couldn't have imagined a better gift. Now if you wouldn't mind leaving, I'm a very busy guy." Tails walked off, and Sally took his place.

"I heard what you said."

"Oh yeah, did I pass?" Sonic asked.

"It doesn't kill you to be nice to him, does it?"

"I don't know, I'm pretty sure I almost spontaneously combusted. So, what do you need?"

"I just wanted to wish you luck," Sally said, giving Sonic a hug.

"What's with the fuckin hugs already? I feel like a goddamn Care Bear. Well it seems you're the only one who came here and didn't tell me I was going to die, that's pretty fuckin encouraging."

"I know the plan sounds dangerous, but I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't think you could do it," Sally explained.

"Do it, I was kind of hoping to get a little goodnight laid."

"You just keep on hoping…"

"I usually do so well with that fuckin line. Anyway, I have one more person to talk to, so I'll see you in the morning," Sonic said, then went back into his bedroom. "Sorry about that Bunnie, motherfuckers just want to keep talking to me. It feels like my goddamn eulogy, and I'm not even supposed to fuckin hear that."

"It is a really dangerous mission, Sugar…"

"Yeah, then I'll fuckin die, it really isn't that big of deal. I mean, Knuckles is almost as funny as I am, he has that unusual accent and slang, it's quite hilarious."

"Don't talk like that, Sugar, I know Tails and Sally would be devastated if you didn't come back. I also know Knuckles wants to see you again too, you guys are best friends."

"Holy shit! Three out of six, I'm batting a thousand, and Tails is questionable as it is," Sonic replied.

"Well, Hun, if it means anything I would be distraught if you died. And I'm pretty sure Rotor and Antoine don't _want_ you dead."

"Thanks, but I've got some fuck day ahead of me tomorrow, so I think I'll be going to sleep now."

"Okay Sugar, you be careful, I want to see you again," Bunnie said giving Sonic a hug.

"I changed my mind, I don't think Care Bears are hugged this fuckin much."


	4. Blow in the Bag

Blow In The Bag

The next morning the Freedom Fighters were waiting for Sonic to meet up with them, just before he left. While everyone was milling about, Sally went over and stood next to Knuckles.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah sure, mate."

"What's going on with Sonic and Bunnie?"

"I'm not sure, I think he's just fuckin with ya," Knuckles answered. "Well, I guess he really isn't _fuckin_ with you…"

"I saw them hugging last night," Sally sighed.

"Well, if she tries to hug him today, just get in there and box her out. Plus, you really shouldn't be too worried about hugs, mate. If you see her blowin him, then you got something to worry about. Speak of the devil, here comes that bastard now," Knuckles pointed out, as Sonic made his way over to them.

"You look like shit, Sonic. Did you get any sleep?" Sally asked.

"That was the first thing I was hoping to hear today, you look lovely," Sonic responded.

"Sorry, are you prepared for this, Sonic?"

"Not really, but what the fuck. You know, you guys didn't have to wake up early just to watch me leave…"

"Then fuck this, I'm back to bed, mate. See ya," Knuckles yawned, as he turned to leave.

"Yeah, fuck you too, buddy," Sonic retorted.

"It's just a joke, you're an awful defensive bloke, ain't ya?"

"Sonic, do you have that picture I drew for you?" Tails asked, ignoring Knuckles.

"That Picasso looking motherfucker?" Sally shot Sonic a glare. "Oh yeah sure, it's in my bag, with that jar of mayonnaise."

"Does anyone have some advice before Sonic leaves?" Sally asked.

"Don't be fucking zis up, I believes I will be ze next in line," Antoine complained.

"Try not to let your balls get blown off by a hand grenade, whilst in Robotnik's company," Rotor suggested.

"If you start getting a bad vibe, you get the fuck out quick, Sugar," Bunnie advised.

"That's everyone I guess. Just don't do anything stupid, you hear me?" Sally questioned.

"Clear as a fucking bell," Sonic responded. "Now if you'll excuse me I believe my _bell_ is tolling, have a nice day." Sonic raced off in the direction of Robotropolis.

"He's going to get himself killed," Sally sighed, shaking her head.

"Hun, don't say that."

"I got ten bucks saying he doesn't make it back," Rotor said.

"I will be matching zis action," Antoine replied.

"I'll put my ten on him makin it back, mate."

"Why go against the odds?" Rotor inquired.

"Let's just say, I'm not one for the odds, mate."

"I can't believe you guys are making a betting pot on Sonic's life," Sally scoffed disbelievingly.

"What worries me, Sugar, is that it's only up to thirty bucks," Bunnie pointed out.

"Eh, that bloke's a worthless bastard. What can ya do?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Snively!" Robotnik roared.

"Sir?"

"When is that hedgehog supposed to arrive?"

"Our communications went down before we could hear, sir. I would imagine he'll be here in a few days time, though."

"Communications breakdown, oh yes, remind me to give you a swift ass kicking later today."

"Of course sir. What's that on the monitor?"

"I don't know Snively, shit? You're the one looking at it, why don't you tell me?"

"I think it's the hedgehog, sir," Snively answered.

"Fuck, right now? Hmm, a little soon, but it can be dealt with."

"He's…" Snively began.

"Right here, still hanging out in this shithole?" Sonic asked, entering the room.

"And just why am I graced with your presence, rodent?"

"Well, after Knuckles did the rough and tumble to your jolly bag, I took those ungrateful pricks home. After being around them again, I realized I can't stand those fuckers, and I decided I was on the losing side. I mean we've 'killed' you countless times, and yet here you are. That's pretty fuckin impressive, so I'm here to serve," Sonic said kneeling.

"You would just up and leave your girlfriend like that?" Robotnik questioned.

"Girlfriend?" Sonic countered.

"Sally, you stupid shit bag, or is it Bunnie now?"

"It's not as if I asked for a permission slip to fucking be here, I slipped away in the night. Do you think they'd let me come without putting up a fight?"

"I suppose not, but now that you're here, have some coffee and cake," Robotnik offered.

"I don't…"

"HAVE SOME!"

"Ooh cake," Sonic agreed, as he grabbed a piece of cake and started eating it.

"Now comes the big question, why should I trust you?"

"If you're smart you shouldn't and you won't, at least not for awhile. But what I offer is priceless."

"The rebellion?" Robotnik inquired.

"The rebellion," Sonic answered.

"Then I'll accept your help, but only under one condition. You must be locked in the titanium cage at all times. You are not to be trusted, and I can't risk you escaping."

"Fair enough, we have an accord."

"Why are you eating my sesame cake?" Robotnik asked.

"You told me…" Sonic said with a mouthful of cake.

"Stop eating my sesame cake."

"But I thought you fuckin said…"

"STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE! Now go ahead and make yourself at home," Robotnik said pushing Sonic into the cage and locking it.


	5. Tip the Scales

Tip The Scales

Later in the afternoon, the Freedom Fighters were gathered outside discussing the current state of affairs.

"This place is built like a brick shit house," Knuckles observed.

"Knuckles, what's shit house?" Tails asked.

"A shit house is the shitter, mate. If it's built like a brick shit house, it's strong. Otherwise it can mean poor quality," Knuckles responded.

"Wow, so I don't really like golf, which makes it shit house, right?" Tails inquired.

"Yeah, you're gettin the hang of it."

"Thanks Knuckles, that's all Tails needs is to learn more swear words. You are almost as bad as Sonic when it comes to that," Sally scolded.

"No worries, mate. Speakin of that bloke, how big's that pot now?"

"Tails put five bucks in and Bunnie went in with fifteen. So a total of fifty bucks," Rotor replied.

"You put money in that pot, Bunnie?" Sally asked.

"It can't hurt, Sugar, if he comes back I'll have a little extra cabbage."

"And Knuckles, you've reduced Tails to a degenerate gambler?" Sally continued to question.

"It's only five bucks, mate, he just wants to be one of the guys."

"Unbefuckinglievable, you guys cease to amaze me," Sally said.

"Not to be changing ze subject," Antoine put in, "But with ze 'edgehog out of zis picture I have ze shot with you, no?"

"I can't believe the balls on this guy," Sally responded stunned.

"Oh yes, zey are big, no?"

"That's not what I meant, smartass. And what makes you think you didn't have a shot with me, when Sonic was here?"

"Rotor said you were ze fuck buddies," Antoine answered.

"Rotor, you told Antoine that Sonic was fucking me?"

"Well, I mean, yeah pretty much. Sonic talked to me one morning and I just put two and two together," Rotor replied.

"And got four?" Tails asked.

"No, asshole, everything was just pretty much implied. Plus, how far off was I? The way you argue and flirt with him, you two might as well be married," Rotor said.

"I don't flirt with Sonic," Sally replied defensively.

"Oh no, mate? Maybe not in the same way Sonic does, but it's disguised just the same. It's all subtext really."

"Subtext?" Sally questioned.

"Yeah mate, it's all still implied, but in a more subtle context. Bunnie knows how blatant Sonic can be," Knuckles answered.

"Now why did y'all have to put me in the middle of this?" Bunnie inquired.

"Knuckles told me Sonic was getting some action with you," Rotor replied.

"Getting some action, huh?" Bunnie asked.

"Well I don't think I put it quite like that, mate."

"You're right, you probably said fuck, or something similar," Rotor responded. "I guess Sonic's going after Bunnie because Sally's loose now…"

"What the fuck did you just say!?" Sally roared.

"You're worn out. You know rubber bands only stretch so far, for so long, and he's been Van Dyking that for some time," Rotor explained. Knuckles was brought to his knees from a laughing fit.

"Van Dyking? What exactly is that, Hun?" Bunnie asked.

"Mary Poppins," Rotor stated. He received blank looks, with the exception of the laughing Knuckles. "Dick Van Dyke was a chimney sweeper, damn you guys are slow. He fucking gets it," Rotor said pointing to Knuckles.

"Why would Auntie Sally be loose?" Tails asked.

"Sally has been sticking too many things in _there_ so it hangs like the sleeve of a wizard," Rotor answered, inciting more laughter from Knuckles.

"I'm going to fucking KILL you! No trial, no jury, straight to execution!" Sally screamed.

"Calm down, Sugar. It's just a joke, an adult joke, for us adults," Bunnie told Sally. "I know how it feels, they were just reaming my ass." Antoine burst into hysterical laughter, joining Knuckles.

"Reaming ze ass!" Antoine laughed.

"Yeah, laugh it up asshole," Bunnie replied. "Y'all won't be laughing so hard when you realize I put glue on the ass of your chair." Antoine tried to get up, but the chair stuck to his ass.

"Oh zis is ze bullshit, I am not to be liking zis. Huh huh, not being so funny, can you be taking zis off, please?" Antoine asked. Knuckles and Rotor tried to get up out of their chairs, with the same results.

"This ain't that great, mate," Knuckles mused.

"Who's laughing now?" Sally asked as she giggled with Bunnie.

"Zis has been not so much of ze fun, can someone be answering ze question now?" Antoine inquired.

"What question?" Rotor asked.

"If I am having ze shot with Sally."

"No, sorry Antoine, I'm happy with the way things are. Plus you really aren't my type at all," Sally replied.

"Ooooh, fuckin crash and burn, mate," Knuckles laughed.

"Zen what is being your type?" Antoine questioned.

"Blue hedgehogs," Rotor answered, chuckling.

"You mean Sonic?" Tails asked.

"Ah bloke, you are funny sometimes."

"Am I having ze shot with ze Bunnie?"

"Sorry Hun, you're not really my type either," Bunnie answered.

"What is zis type you are to be not liking?"

"Cowardly losers with silly French accents, mate."

"That was a bit strong wasn't it, Sugar?"

"A bit," Knuckles admitted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Robotropolis, Sonic was discussing his phony plan with Robotnik.

"So that's it, huh? That's the ultimate plan the Freedom Fighters came up with?" Robotnik questioned.

"That's the whole fuckin plan," Sonic responded. "What do you make of it?"

"It seems to be the usual fare I've come to expect from them. You'd think at some point they would find the time to be original. What the fuck is wrong with these assholes?

"I don't think there is enough deodorant for this conversation," Sonic remarked. "Consider the fact that Sally, Bunnie, and Rotor are the brains of the operation. Rotor is only good with technology and Bunnie keeps mostly to herself. Then account for the fact that all the dumb fucking ideas that Tails and Antoine throw out there, are actually seriously considered. So, when you hear a stupid as fuck idea, such as the aforementioned plan, that gives you a little fucking perspective."

"It certainly does, I never realized what a clusterfuck the Freedom Fighters really are. Where did you fit into all of that?" Robotnik asked.

"I'm the one who made fun of everything, while rarely saying anything worth fucking remembering. Sometimes I had an idea or two, when I wasn't hitting on Sally or Bunnie or fuckin ripping on Antoine and Tails."

"Sounds like a real hoot to me."

"Yeah, I'm doing a fuckin jig over here," Sonic responded.

"I see where they all get the smartass demeanor from."

"I really should come prepackaged with a warning: smartass comments are likely to follow. Did you like that?"

"Funny, very amusing, but while we are being honest I have something of a confession to make," Robotnik said.

"Fuck."

"Exactly, it seems I knew what you were planning all along. You see, while Sally was in my custody I had Snively plant a bug on her. So the whole, you turning yourself in and relaying a counterfeit plan to me, is null and void. I know your plan is bullshit, and now you're fucked. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I figured that as soon as you mentioned that Bunnie was my new girlfriend. There's nothing much I can do at this point, I guess I'm fucked either way. So what now?" Sonic inquired.

"I'll tell you what now, I'm going to position your cage over that vat of nuclear waste," Robotnik explained. "Since your friends missed out, you'll be enjoying a glorious trip down there all by yourself. Everything will be grand, except the complete meltdown and vaporization of your entire body. When your friends arrive they should be just in time to see you plummeting to your death. Then a few bombs should take care of them, not that it would matter much to you at that point. That frees me of your endless fucking stupidity, and I can finally rule Mobius in peace."

"That sounds like a pretty good deal, but I have a better one. How about I give you the finger," Sonic said flipping Robotnik off, "And you go fuck yourself?"

"Hey fucknuts, there is no fucking deal, you got that?! And there will be no one to stop us this time, you see, I welded the lock shut. You, my friend, are most definitely going to die. No witty wiseass comment?"

"I was 90 percent sure that I would be getting royally fucked over, doing this mission. You don't scare me asshole, do your worst," Sonic replied. "Come to think of it though, I was contemplating getting a keychain attached to my balls, that way I'd always know where my keys and my balls are."

"Defiant until the end, I guess there is something to be said for that."

"I'm gonna tell you something though, you better make sure you kill me, I shit you not. If I end up living, lock and load motherfucker."

"Oh yes, of course. You'll understand if I'm not pissing myself in fear. I have a great deal on my mind, so if you'll excuse me," Robotnik said, getting out of his chair.

"Well what the fuck do you want me to say, no? It's not like I'm fuckin going anywhere. I guess I'll just hang out here, until you come the fuck back."

"Son of a bitch."


	6. Lock and Load

Lock and Load

In Knothole, the Freedom Fighters were preparing to move on Robotnik. In order counter their false plan they intended to leave early, with hopes of catching Robotnik unprepared and unawares. They packed all the equipment and other peripherals they needed, and starting making their way to Robotropolis.

"Are we there yet?" Tails asked.

"Would we still be fucking walking if we were there, shithead?" Rotor countered.

"Is it possible to go anywhere without some kind of confrontation?" Sally inquired, as she looked from Tails to Rotor.

"Uh no," Antoine replied, "But zat was being zree questions in ze row."

"And your point being?" Sally asked.

"I am being ze only one to not be asking ze question."

"Well Hun, Rotor's question _was_ rhetorical," Bunnie put in.

"So, is zat making it not ze question?"

"She got ya mate, you asked a question," Knuckles pointed out.

"Am I supposed to not be doing zis?"

"I don't know, are you?"

"Huh huh, now you have been too asking ze question," Antoine said proudly.

"Is this really the best help we can find?" Sally asked Bunnie.

"I guess so, Sugar, I don't even know what the hell they are talking about. Why does it matter if you've asked a question?"

"Zat was ze question, everyone has been asking one of zees now."

"What the fuck has that got to do with anything, Hun?"

"I hate to break this to ya," Knuckles responded, "But you can't say 'fuck' and 'Hun' in the same sentence when you're angry. You just sound too sweet mate, say asshole or somethin similar."

"Antoine's an asshole," Tails acknowledged.

"That's right, mate…"

"What? Zat is being ze bullshit…"

"Tails! Why would you say that?" Sally asked.

"I don't know, I'm pretty sure I heard it from Sonic, though."

"To respond to you, Sugar," Bunnie said looking at Knuckles, "It's just the way I talk. Just like you say mate, I say Hun and Sugar. By the way, where I'm from, mate means something quite different."

"No kidding," Sally agreed.

"Well you blokes gonna tell me or what?" Knuckles questioned.

"Making fuck," Antoine answered.

"Strange how we'd get our mates mixed like that."

"You guys need to start shaping up, or we'll blow this whole plan," Sally informed everyone. "We'll get captured by Robotnik, and then we'll be sitting around, wondering how the fuck we got there. Then someone will say hey, when we were planning this operation, all we did was tell fucking jokes. Get the message?"

"That was intense, Auntie Sally," Tails responded.

"Come on, I can see Robotropolis from here. So everyone be careful, it's time to stop bullshitting," Sally said, as they began their descent into the city.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is everything fucking set now, Snively?" Robotnik shouted.

"Yes sir, the cage has just been placed over the vat, and the mines have been planted."

"Hey, I can kind of hear you guys," Sonic said from the cage. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well asshole, if you really could hear us you'd know. Now, you're sure everything is set, Snively? I really can't afford to make a mistake at this point. This is, in effect, our last stand."

"It is all set to your specifications, sir."

"Good, good. Are you ready to eat shit and die?" Robotnik asked as he walked closer to the nuclear vat. Sonic grabbed his crotch at the remark.

"Sure thing, I've got my junk all in place, I'm fuckin set. I just want to tell you, I was crying earlier."

"Really?"

"Well, mostly because I sat on my balls," Sonic replied.

"Hardy fucking har. Now if you're finished, I'd just like to say that you were a huge pain in the ass while you were alive. I'm not going to miss you, and I hope you die a slow painful death, you rotten motherfucker," Robotnik said, grinning.

"Sir! The Freedom Fighters are making their way here."

"Prepare to dispatch of the hedgehog, Snively."

"Ready sir," Snively said, holding the lever that held the cage.

"Pull it when those assholes are in perfect view of it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is that Sonic in that cage, Auntie Sally?" Tails asked.

"Yes…"

"Is he giving us the finger?" Rotor asked.

"It sure looks that way doesn't it, Sugar?" Just as Bunnie finished speaking, the cage dropped into the vat.

"Looks like he just got his ass melted, mate," Knuckles stated matter of factly. Sally took off toward the vat, a mine exploded after impact, throwing her a few hundred feet. "I think I'd refrain from doin that again, mate," Knuckles advised. As he finished, Antoine went running after Sally, with the same results. "What a fuckin idiot, I told that silly wanker not to do that." All of a sudden, there was a power surge, and then the power completely shut off. In the near distance the Freedom Fighters heard a rumbling.

"Maybe it's the power trying to come back on, Sugar," Bunnie suggested.

"I don't think so, mate. You grab Sally, and I'll get Antoine. Then we best get the fuck out of here," Knuckles said, and then they both ran over to pick the others up. They turned to leave, but just as they did, the vat of nuclear waste exploded.

"OH FUCK!" Rotor exclaimed. "Let's get going, come on FAST!" Heeding Rotor's advice, the Freedom Fighters took off into the Great Forest. As soon as they hit the rendezvous point, everyone dropped from exhaustion.

"I'm glad everything went according to plan, mate, otherwise we might have had some clusterfuck on our hands," Knuckles said sarcastically.

"Is Auntie Sally dead?" Tails asked.

"No Hun, but she is unconscious at the moment," Bunnie stated.

"I think Antoine is alive too, if anyone gives two shits," Knuckles said. "He was lucky, he could have received a hole in the head. Then he'd have to wear some sort of a dumbass hat. I also wasn't aware that hedgehogs were explosive, were you blokes?"

"That wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting," Rotor admitted. "Something incited that, it wouldn't blow just because."

"Either way, I'm fairly certain Sonic's dead, Sugar," Bunnie said dishearteningly.

"I wouldn't fuckin write me out just yet, how could you have another story without me?" Sonic asked, walking over to them.

"Sonic!"

"How'd you do that, mate?"

"Let's just say I'm a clever motherfucker," Sonic said, tossing Knuckles a Power Ring.

"You are a clever sum bitch, Hun," Bunnie said, hugging Sonic.

"Hey, I don't want anyone else to get any ideas. I'm not a toy, don't fuckin hug me. Bunnie has special permission, so don't go there," Sonic explained.

"What are we going to do now, mate?" Knuckles asked.

"Lock and load motherfucker."

"Sorry Sugar, but we have two unconscious, plus our plan went to shit. There is also a bunch of radioactive goo over there now."

"Funny thing about that is it's going to drain down into the fallout shelter," Rotor laughed.

"Really?"

"He prided himself on the fact that all of his trap doors lead to his fallout shelter, which up until this happened, was a useful thing," Rotor explained. "Now Robotnik's only safe haven will be flooded with radioactive shit, tough luck really."

"Well you know the saying mate, shit runs downhill," Knuckles said.

"That doesn't mean he's fucking dead, I want to see that pricks corpse," Sonic growled.

"We have to go back to Knothole, Hun. Robotnik will pay for this, don't you worry."


	7. Volition

Volition

Later that evening Sally regained consciousness, Sonic was in the room when she awoke.

"Where am I?" Sally asked sitting up in her bed.

"It's your fuckin room, should you be someplace else?" Sonic responded.

"Am I dead?"

"No, if you were dead how could you be talking with me?"

"Is this a dream then?"

"If this was a dream we'd be fucking, well if it was my dream."

"But I thought… I saw…" Sally began sobbing uncontrollably.

"Fuck, not this shit again," Sonic mumbled. "This situation is still completely foreign to me."

"You mean like thinking?" Sally asked between sobs.

"Oh that's funny, very cute," Sonic said, sitting down next to Sally. She quickly began hugging him. "Ah shit," he sighed. "Everything is gonna be cool, don't worry. I just want you to know, if you're going to be crying you'll have to leave."

"You're such an asshole."

"That was nicely put. I'm sure the others want to talk to you, are you ready?"

"Yeah," Sally replied, wiping the tears from her eyes. Sonic left for a minute, then came back with all the Freedom Fighters in tow.

"Are you alright, Auntie Sally?" Tails asked worriedly.

"I'm doing fine, it's nice to see you again Tails," Sally said smiling. "What happened to you, Antoine?" She asked, pointing at the bandages on his head.

"He was on the ass end of an ass kicking," Sonic put in.

"I was being ze fucked up, but I am to be doing better now, no? How is ze princess feeling?"

"Like I told Tails, I'm fine. I was shocked to see Sonic alive, and I'm a little sore, but excellent other than that."

"Oh Sugar, it's great to see you moving and talking again. I was so worried about you," Bunnie said hugging Sally.

"Bunnie's the one who saved ya, mate. She pulled you out right before that vat exploded," Knuckles said.

"It exploded?"

"Yeah, I thought we were proper fucked. That experience was pretty shit house, it'd be nice if I never saw meself in that situation again. Now where's my money?" Knuckles inquired, looking at Rotor.

"What fuckin money?" Sonic asked.

"Rotor started taking bets on if you were going to survive or not," Sally replied.

"Well how big did it get?"

"Goddamn it," Sally moaned, shaking her head.

"50 bucks," Rotor responded.

"That's it, 50 fucking dollars? I'm starting to feel bad about myself now," Sonic sighed.

"Well what did you think you were worth, a million?" Sally asked.

"Ten, ten million."

"Please, you're lucky it made it to 50 bucks. Now I know it kind of got lost in the shuffle, but thank you for saving me Bunnie," Sally said gratefully.

"No problem Hun, I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"Hey, if you guys need some personal time, you know to munch the rug…" Sonic was interrupted.

"It's nice to see that a near death experience hasn't changed you at all," Sally acknowledged.

"It looks like you're stuck with this, rotten as hell, bastard for some time. Are you gonna munch that or what?" Sonic asked. As soon as he did, Sally threw one of her boots at his head. "Ow fuck, it's just a joke, or is it?" He asked raising his eyebrow.

"Munch the rug?" Tails asked.

"You keep talking like a bitch, I'm gonna have to smack you like a bitch," Sonic warned.

"I'm starting to get a headache, can we talk tomorrow?" Sally asked, exhausted.

"That's fine, Sugar, I hope you're feeling better tomorrow," Bunnie said hugging Sally again.

"Avert your eyes you perve," Sonic told Antoine who was gazing at Sally and Bunnie.

"But zis… I was ze no…"

"Yeah, yeah, move it along you douchebag."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Robotropolis, Robotnik and Snively evacuated to a nearby building, while the nuclear waste drained.

"I can't fucking believe this, all of my careful planning turned to shit. Just how in the fuck did the power shut off? And why did that vat of radiated shit explode?" Robotnik vented as he sat down in a chair.

"I'm not for certain, sir. All I know is that I have to reset the clock on the microwave again," Snively complained.

"Oh fuck that! That's not the issue here. What I really want to know is did we kill the hedgehog, the princess, or that French fuck?"

"Again, sir, I haven't the slightest. I can only assume the hedgehog couldn't survive an exploding nuclear vat, unless…" Snively trailed off.

"Unless what you fucking nitwit?" Robotnik roared.

"Well if he had a Power Ring…"

"Fuck, motherfucking son of a fuck goddamn fucking fucker. That's exactly what happened you worthless fuck. Did you ever confiscate that bag he had?" Robotnik asked. Snively just looked down at his shoes. "Did you even look in it you insignifi-cunt little fuck?"

"I thought… I was… no, sir, I… forgot to do that," Snively sputtered. "Do we have a plan to retaliate?"

"Fuck the Master Fuck Plan…"

"That seems a bit redundant, doesn't it, sir?"

"Don't interrupt me, you filthy fuck bag. I guess it really doesn't matter, does it? Now we have a ton of nuclear shit in our fallout shelter. We might get radiation poisoning, grow two fucking dicks or something. We have to clean this shit up, then and only then, will we be able to focus all of our energy on those assholes. Fuck them for putting me in this situation…"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Sally woke up and made her way outside. Everyone was gathered at the benches in the middle of the village. She made her way over to them.

"…and what's with those fucking bobble heads?" Sonic was asking as he imitated one. "What the fuck is that? Fuck that."

"Sounds like you are having a vivid conversation," Sally said, approaching them.

"Hey Hun, how are you feeling today?" Bunnie asked.

"Much better, thank you. So what were we discussing?"

"Sonic was just going on a rant, you know, the usual shit," Rotor replied.

"He's been saying all sorts of funny things, Auntie Sally," Tails said excitedly. "He and Knuckles even told me what munch the rug means."

"You guys are something else entirely."

"Hey Sal, I just wanted to thank you for the boot in the head last night. That was a real fuckin kick ass experience," Sonic stated sarcastically.

"I was merely playing my part," Sally responded. "I'm also glad to see that you are getting along so well with Tails."

"What the fuck? I'm just trying to explain to him why his aunts were playing grabass," Sonic replied.

"You're so witty, but I don't have time for this. What are we going to do about Robotnik?" Sally asked.

"We're going to chamber the cartridge and send that motherfucker packing," Sonic answered.

"Don't be too sure, mate. With all that nuclear waste, radiation, and other bullshit, I don't think it'll be very safe to make a move just yet. Plus, after the hell we've been through the last few weeks, I could sure use a break. No worries, just right."

"Knuckles has some good points, Hun. I'm sure Robotnik is already planning on how to clean up that mess over there. It's not as if he can do anything to us until he's cleaned it up. Ever since we destroyed his fortress, we've had Robotnik by the balls. Anyway, we have had a rough few weeks, I could sure use a little rest, Sugar," Bunnie responded.

"Well, I agree with what you're saying," Rotor put in. "We did hand Robotnik his ass with that exploding vat. Hell, we might have even killed Robotnik in the process, something we haven't even discussed yet. My balls kind of itch…"

"That was just a little random," Sally replied in disgust.

"What in ze fucks is to be wrong with you?" Antoine inquired.

"Never mind. I'm going to agree with Bunnie as well," Sally said. "I'm not feeling a hundred percent, and I could use some rest. I only wish we could have ended him this time."

"Well, you know, we can _end_ up doing something else," Sonic added slyly.

"Will there come a time where you talk about anything but fucking?" Sally questioned.

"Buttfucking?" Tails asked.

"Oh fuck, not this shit again."


End file.
